You are herd.

 Ever reach a point where you're just tired? I'm not talking about the kind of tired that a good night's rest will fix but the kind of tired where it's been so long that you can't remember not feeling tired. The kind of tired where you are genuinely disappointed with waking up and it feels like you just napped for a 20 minutes. 

Most people in my age group probably feel this way. Too many late nights. Too many I will catch up on the weekend. Too many, if we just persist, things will get better. 

I'm exhausted. There's nothing I would like to do more than flatten out on a bed and wake up when I wake up. No alarms, none of that semi-sleep waiting for the phone to ring, none of that just in case anticipation? I pine for that to be honest. The sleep of my childhood. Which I know is impossible. Yearning for a period when I had less to do is not maturity or productive. 

I often sit and think, what is it that I really want? What is it that I need that will leave me feeling fulfilled. Right now I am having the biggest case of imposter/failure complex and it's a real fucking drag. 

I feel lost and constricted, I think my asthma is result of my psyche feeling bound and constricted. Everything feels heavy and whereas I have previously thrived on carrying the weight of everyone so that no one felt they were on their own, I am feeling like I am on my own. 

It's a realisation that the consequence of being accommodating and saying everything is fine and not putting boundaries is that the consequences are mine. In a way I justify this as being the indirect consequences of my failure to act. To be selfish. To stick to my own plan. To draw the line somewhere when dealing with selfish manifestations. 

Now almost 10 years later, the selfish is trying deeply to be unselfish and I frankly don't fucking care. I knew the day would arrive. I divest when I find I'm not being heard. When I feel like I am being herd instead of heard. 

I used to have the energy to fight and now I just can't fight anymore. I can't be bothered. It's all futility, bright, fiery arguments designed to express my dissatisfaction and disappointment. I have learned that all that energy is futile when there is no intention to understand. human beings will adopt the position of most comfort. Logic has nothing to do with it. Mutual benefit is a by-product personal satisfaction first. 

I feel a bit of a fool to be very honest. I feel the sting of dishonesty, of being ignored, of promises broken, the frustration of my own terrible behaviour clouding over the actual problematic behaviour. I feel it when I wake up. I feel it when I go to bed. I feel it when I stop to fully consider the absurdity that's become normality because a long time ago parents taught their kids that consequences were for other people and that by virtue of being born they were immune to such things.

Some days I can feel the punishment and on others too many things need to be done and the reminders will have to wait. Sometimes the loneliness of it feels like it will burst through my chest and other days I realise that I too played my part in this and that this type of shit won't last forever and that I am need elsewhere and until that day, I must persevere.

No one has the ambition of persevering. No one wants to be unheard. Unseen. ignored. betrayed and dismissed as if they have nothing to offer. We all have our ways of dealing with this, on days like today I remind myself to pray. Other days it's harder because the feeling can be overwhelming. and you have to dig deeper to find the energy to stay focussed. And some days you have to pray for the same thing every day and then you wake up and you're not disappointed that you woke up. You're feel like you slept enough and you can put down your guard.